Fun and Games in the Cheydinhal Sanctuary
by Dances With Pandas
Summary: Ocheeva tries to explain to Lucien what happened to his favourite Silencer, she really does...unfortunately, that explanation involves the Adoring Fan.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the following: a car, a house, a cat, money, a good memory, rights to Oblivion, a car, a house, rights to Oblivion, a car, rights to Oblivion or a cat.

Chapter 1 – Words that rhythm with "clucking bell"

"Ocheeva? Ocheeva!"

"Aahhh! Oh….hello Master."

"Ocheeva? What are you doing?"

"Uh, what do you mean, Master?"

"I mean, I've been trying to find my lost Silencer for two weeks."

"I know Master, I'm the one in charge of finding him."

"Precisely my point, my child. You're in charge of the search, so what in the name of Sithis are you doing?"

"Nothing…"

"Ocheeva…"

"What? Can't a Murderer take a break every once and a while?"

"You're using a chameleon spell and curled up in a fetal position in a chest barely big enough for you to fit in down in a filthy basement that's covered in spiders."

"…and?"

"You're the biggest arachnophobe I've ever met Ocheeva. What are you doing in here?"

"Facing my fears?"

"NO YOU'RE NOT! You're hiding from me! Why?"

"Welll….I….that is…..we…..umm…"

"I'm guessing something has gone wrong with the search."

"Maybe just a little bit…"

"It can't be that bad, Ocheeva. Ocheeva? Ocheeva, stop crying."

"U'm srrry, mfstrr…..

Ocheeva, here take this. Blow your nose and wipe your tears, whatever the problem is it can't be that bad.

"Thnk yu…..will you promise not to hurt me Master?"

"What?"

"It's just, I owe you everything Master, if it wasn't for you I would be normal."

"Yes, well…..heh!"

"Sorry Master, I didn't mean it like that!"

"Ocheeva, I only have a certain amount of patience with people. Now tell me, how did you fare tracking down my Silencer's known accomplices."

"I had some difficulty Master, with limited success."

"Like?"

"Well first there was the Mage's guild apprentice."

"Mmm, we haven't been on good terms with them since we set fire to their Bruma guild house."

"Indeed Master."

"Did you get any information at all?"

"Some Master, apparently their Arch Mage has gone missing too."

"Interesting…continue Sister."

"The next faction I targeted was the Knights of the Nine."

"Oh!"

"Yes Master, they're still upset with us over the poisoned apples fiasco."

"Mmm."

"But it turns out their Divine Crusader is missing too, its an interesting coincidence!"

"Ocheeva, there are two things I don't believe in. The first is coincidence, the second is unicorns."

"After that, there was only one other companion who has spent time with the Silencer."

"Who is that, Sister?"

"Well, he's a little eccentric."

"Aren't we all?"

"At first I was going to interrogate him and bring the information back but he wouldn't co-operate."

"Impossible! No one could remain silent with you torturing them!"

"I didn't get to that stage Master, he just wouldn't shut up!"

"Ah, so you got plenty of information from him."

"No the opposite, I tried running away but he just followed me. He wouldn't stop talking all the way back here."

"He's outside the sanctuary? Well show him in, I want to know where my Silencer has gone!"

"Certainly Master, I'll wait…..somewhere else until your done."

"Ah child, now you must be….um?"

"Golly! Its really you, the Speaker for the Black Hand! I can't believe its you, standing here, next to me!"

"Yes child, now if…"

"Gee, you're the best, I'm going to follow you and watch you and worship the ground you walk on."

"Well child, there's really no ne…"

"And I'm going to carry your weapons, and shine your boots, and give you a backrub."

"Eh.…wha….why don't you have a seat over here."

"Here? Right here, how about over there? Well, no, here it is then, you're the boss!"

"Excuse me one moment while I leave the room, I have an urgent matter to bring up with my associate."

"Golly that sounds really important, can I help?"

"Perhaps, my child! Here, why don't you help yourself to this apple while I'm gone!"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – 3 Days Later

"Good morning, Master."

"mmmph…..five more minutes, Mommy…."

"Lucien…."

"ghasszzt….can we get ice-cream at the zoo…."

"Is that the Night Mother over there?"

"Oh FUC…! Where? Oh….really Ocheeva, there are better ways of waking me up!"

"Master, he's back."

"Fantastic, my Silencer has returned at long last. Tell him I want a full de-brief as soo…."

"No Master, HE'S back!"

"Ocheeva, my child. As you know I take a bottle of mead with me to bed most nights and this has the knock on effect of leaving me a little groggy the next morning so…."

"No Master, you remember the poisoned apple you gave to that Bosmer three days ago…"

"Of course, and then we let Vicente fill up on him…"

"…and then we used his corpse for target practise in the training room…"

"Yes, I remember Ocheeva, and didn't Mraaj-Dar crush him up for some potion of sorts…."

"…and then we dumped what was left in the Niben River….."

"Didn't Grogon keep his head as a present for his niece?"

"Well, Master. HE'S BACK!"

"Ocheeva."

"Lucien."

"You're telling me…..and I must stress dear child that I'm putting this in the category of questions that I'm better off not asking that the chewed, lacerated, crushed, drowned, headless remains of my Silencer's adoring fan have shown up at our sanctuary's front door…..again?"

"Well not quite, er….he's whole again."

"Ocheeva, what does your Master hate more than anything else in this whole wide world?"

"Real estate agents."

"Besides them!"

"Liars!"

"Indeed."

"Master, I am not lying! The adoring fan is back, if you don't believe me go check for yourself."

FIVE MINUTES LATER

"What is the colour of night?"

"Gosh, a quiz! This is all cheerfully exciting, is the answer pink?"

"Mmm Ocheeva, I think we may have a problem here."

"Yes Master, he seems very determined to get back in here."

"What!?! No, no not that! I seem to have run out of mead."

"Maybe you could ask him if he has any?"

"…"

"Sorry Master."

"You would be wise my child to not test my patience on such matters."

"What should we do?"

"You can deal with this, I'm going back to bed!"

10 MINUTES LATER

"Good morning Master."

"mmmph….just five more minutes Mom…oh suffering Sithis-on-a-sweetie."

"Hello Master."

"Ocheeva, who is that in the dining area?"

"I don't know!"

"Ocheeva…"

"I haven't been in the kitchen in hours! How would I know who's in there?"

"The boy dressed in black!"

"That doesn't narrow the list down that much, Master. There are a lot of people dressed in black around here after all."

"Young, collared, with a wisp of blonde hair sticking up…."

"Still no help."

"…..and on his knees."

"Master, are you being serious or what?"

"Eating out of my pet rat's dish!"

"Oh, him?"

"Yes, him!"

"He volunteered."

"SITHIS-DAMNIT, OCHEEVA!"

"HE VOLUNTEERED, MASTER."

"I told you to take care of him….erm…..again!"

"I know master but he wanted to be collared."

"Nice. This one I would like to hear, please my child, enlighten me!"

"You haven't even noticed that I've been crying or that I'm carrying a shovel and my clothes are covered in muck, Master."

"What in Oblivion has that got…..Oh! Has someone expired, my child?"

"Not exactly someone but I've found a replacement for her…"

"Her?……Schemer?"

"Yes, Schemer Master, your five-thousand septim pure-bred Blackmarsh fighting rat is dead."

"Schemer?"

"I'm sorry Master, I could have broken the news to you better."

"No, its fine my child. All things expire in the end!"

"For what its worth Master, I think she died in her sleep."

"That is comforting to know, child. Uh, she was a little young to die in her sleep though."

"Not if she took a nap directly under where your adoring fan decided to sit down, Master."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry for your loss Master, I know you loved the way she kept herself 'squeaky' clean…."

"That's about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and finding a bill for a house in Skingrad attached."

"Har, har."

"Coming back to my original question?"

"Which is?"

"Why is there a young Bosmer wearing Schemer's collar and eating out of Schemer's dish?"

"Oh that, actually Master we've been discussing that all along!"

"Have we?"

"Well this morning after you told me to take care of him, I opened the door to confront our visitor."

"Indeed."

"After all the other methods of assassination had failed last time I thought I should try something new."

"A wise move, my child."

"As we hadn't tried arrows on him last time I told him to take a seat in the library and I went off to the armoury to get a bow and well…..when I came back…"

"…he had sat…"

"…on your rat…."

"That couldn't of been good!"

"Well Master, I didn't believe him at first but when I asked him to show me Schemer he sat up and there she was all squished and mushy and all…"

"Oh sweet Sithis, Ocheeva."

"Sorry, Master. But anyway, I started to cry a lot and then he felt really, really bad and apologised a hundred times and finally he said he wanted to replace Schemer".

"Right…."

"So, I said 'really' and he said 'gosh, I really do', so I told him to go into the kitchen and help himself to some milk while I went off to get some command humanoid spells…"

"Wait, my child. I missed something here."

"What's that Master?"

"You said he volunteered?"

"Right"

"So, when did he do that?"

"I told you Master, he wanted to replace SCHEMER!"

"Yes, I caught that part but……Oh, come child! That one's so old its got wisp stalks growing out of it."

"He may prove useful yet Master! Can we keep him?"

"Mmmm….perhaps you're right my child, I may have overlooked how useful someone who can not die is. He may prove to be an interesting addition to our little family."

"YAY!"

"No promises, Ocheeva. Get him over here, I want a word with him."

"Oh golly, its you again. Wow, I never thought to be helping you for real…."

"Yes, my chil…."

"…and I'm sorry for sitting on your pet…."

"Yes, my….."

"…..I even got you a sympathy card with a note in it….."

"Well, that's very thoughtful but can we plea…."

"….I could sing you a song to cheer you up…."

"Thoughtful my child, but members of the Black Hand don't need cheering….."

"I've done a wicked thing, when I sat down I felt a sting…."

"…where's my bottle of mead…."

"….your pet is why I sing, eh….erm…."

"…ding-a-ling-a-ling!"

"Oh gosh! That's even better than what I wrote, I could sing it again to you with the better words…."

"Not with a short sword through your throat you couldn't!"

"Golly, I can't believe its really you, here next to me….."

"….not this again…."

"….esteemed Black Hand, would you care for a back-rub?"

"My child, there may be a place for you within this sanctuary however you must realise that we inhabit a cold, lonely, hostile world that is constantly watched by the all-seeing Dread Father…."

"Gosh, you have to laugh I suspose…"

"No….no, my child you don't. The point I'm trying to make is that our biggest enemy as assassins is going insane through loneliness…."

"Well……it's a good thing I bring my friends everywhere I go, I have quite a collection of singing potatoes…."

"Mmmm….perhaps I spoke too soon earlier on. Tell me my child, have you ever been to Dive Rock Mountain?"


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – 3 Days Later, Part Deux

"Ocheeva."

"Master Lucien, you're home! How was your trip?"

"It was fine Ocheeva. Now…"

"Did you see any sights?"

"It was a business trip to Dive Rock Mountain, Ocheeva."

"Where's your adoring fan?"

"Unfortunately dear child, he had a little accident at the top of the mountain."

"Oh no, he fell?"

"Eventually…a daedric arrow to the back of the head seemed to make him loose his balance."

"Still no sign of your Silencer I'm afraid Master."

"Yes, I didn't imagine there would be! There were some developments at Dive Rock."

"You found your Silencer out there?"

"In a sense, dear child. The Adoring Fan landed on his body."

"….you mean he killed him."

"No, no, no…well, yes but not the way you think. He was already dead when the fan landed on top of him."

"How did he die? He was one of the finest assassins I've ever met."

"His journal was amongst the possessions I found on him, it seems he's been carrying the adoring fan around with him for a few years now and just couldn't take it anymore….."

"He jumped?"

"It would appear so, after trying to get rid of his fan for so long and failing he decided to pack it all in…."

"The finest assassin in the world ended by an annoying Bosmer boy."

"Mmmm, I know how he felt dear child. It took three days to get out to Dive Rock and a great deal of self control on my part with the fan."

"What does his journal say?"

"He just had one word in the last entry….."

"Which was?"

"'Bugger!'"

3 DAYS AGO

"Ah my child, good morning to you."

"Gosh Mr. LaChance, I still can't believe that I'm standing here next to you…."

"Yes, yes, yes dear child. We've been through all that now why don't you fix me a health potion before we head out, the mead from last night has left me with a bit of a headache."

"Oh yes Mr. LaChance, straight away…"

"…and child?"

"Mr. LaChance."

"Please, don't call me Mr. LaChance!"

"Oh wow! Thanks very much Lucien."

"That's Master, Fan."

"Oh…eh, right…eh, Master."

"One more thing, my child. Do you think you could make your health potions taste less like mud this time?"

"Not easy I'm afraid Master L!"

"Why is this?"

"Because it is mud!"

"So the three bottles you made me yesterday were in fact hot mud!"

"With sugar!"

"Which makes all the difference, doesn't it dear child!"

"Well it would do if we had any sugar, unfortunately there is none so I've been using sugar substitute."

"Which is…."

"Dandruff!"

"Excellent…"

"Still I could add some milk this time…..well, saliva…"

"No, no dear child. Thank you but I think I'll give your potions a miss before we head out."

"Oh golly, hello Ocheeva."

"Fan….Master."

"Ocheeva I'm going to be away….dealing with this little problem of ours would you be so good as to stay here and organise the contracts and if my Silencer turns up tell him to stay here until I get back."

"Yes, 'Master L.'"

"Child, you would be wise not to try me this morning!"

"If Master is stressed would he like a backrub?"

"Ocheeva…you're going to be eating….erm, Fan?"

"Yes Master?"

"Why don't you fix Ocheeva here a health potion before we head out."

"Oh, why thank you Master that sounds good. Make it a milky one will you."

"Sugar?"

"Three lumps!"

"Think you can scrounge up three lumps of sugar, Fan?"

2 DAYS AGO

"One thousand bottles of mead on a wall, one thousand bottles of mead. You take one down and pass it around and you've got nine hundred and ninety nine bottles of mead on a wall."

"Child, do you think you could give it a moments rest? We're only half-way to Dive Rock Moun…."

"Nine hundred and ninety nine…"

1 DAY AGO

"I'm glad that climb is over dear child but I'm afraid this is where you and I must part company. I'm sending you on ahead, fan!"

"I'm the scouting party?"

"Eh…yeah….you're the scouting party, have you got everything?"

"Yes Master L, dandruff brush, animal footprint chart, my copy of the Lusty Argonian Maid and my lunch box with the berries you gave me in it….I'm all set."

"Indeed you are dear child but I think you may find it more comfortable if you stand over here, yes that's right just in front of me!"

"Yes Master L, this is awfully exciting and I….."

…..Twang.

TODAY

"Master, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

"Ocheeva, I've only just sat down and opened a bottle of mead are you sure this can't wait?"

"I'm sure Master, you had better come with me!"

5 MINS LATER

"What is the colour of night?"

"Oh gosh, I should know this one…..erm….is it sand wine, my brother?"

"You see Master, he's back."

"Sithis DAMN-IT!"

"Begging your pardon, Master but are you sure he died on the Mountain top?"

"I'm sure dear child, he fell six hundred feet with an arrow in the back of his head. How is this possible?"

"What do we do? He'll wait out there forever! We could we run away?"

"No, no dear child, the Night Mother would just find us…..again!"

"Then what?"

"Turn the lights off Ocheeva and pretend nobody is home, tell everyone to pack up their gear."

"Pack up?"

"We're moving, my child!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 – The light at the end of the tunnel is a Fire Atronach

"They're here Master."

"Sithis give me strength, Ocheeva. I'm going to need more than a bottle of mead to get through this day."

"Do you want them all together or one by one?"

"I don't think I could handle five estate agents all at once, one at a time please, dear child….and child?"

"Yes Master?"

"Have the Cyrodilic Brandy on stand by!"

5 MINUTES LATER

"Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrrrrr Aaaaaaaaaaahrrrrrrrr. Me laddy."

"Ah-haha-ah, indeed. So Mr. Filch, you are the first mate of the Sea Tub Clarabella and what makes you think your ship would be a good place for a Dark Brotherhood sanctuary?"

"Aharrr, me lord. If you can put up with the smell of sheep then she be a fine place to rest your weary head at the end of a hard day. Can we shake on it?"

"Well, my child. I have other prospects to see…"

"Ahh-harr. You have a little girl's hand me lord. I'll wager these dainty pinkies never weighed anchor in a storm."

"Yes, well you have me there."

"Ha ha ha. –Aah! You've a little girl's skin milord. I'll wager it ne'er felt the lash of a cat o' nine tails, been rubbed with salt, and then flayed off by a pirate chief to make fine stockings for the best cabin boy."

"Mmm, how canny. I don't know how you do it Filch but you're right again."

"Why should I let a lil nix hound pup like ye aboard me tub?"

"Perhaps for the staggering amount of gold in my purse, child."

"Ha. –Aah! You have a lil girl's purse milord! I'll wager that purse has ne'er been used as a rowing boat and had sixteen ship-wrecked mariners all tossing around inside of it."

"Yes, Filch. Right again, I can see when it comes to tales of courage I'm going to have to keep my mouth closed around you."

"Oh, -aah! You have a lil girl's mouth milord! I'll wager that mouth never had to chew through the side of a ship to escape a family of sea dreugh!"

"Yes, dear child. I must say when I was interested in purchasing your ship I had no idea I was going to have to eat it as well and since you're clearly as mad as a Spriggan I'll bid you a good day and safe journey to your next harbour."

"Next harbour, milord?"

"Yes, your next har….I was under the impression that if pirates were to be successful they had to travel from harbour to harbour and not stay docked all the time."

"Opinion is divided on the matter, milord. All the other Captains think that it is, my Captain thinks that its not."

"Yes, of course he does….NEXT!"

5 MINUTES AND A BOTTLE OF MEAD LATER

"But I have to tell you Mr. LaChance that I've had an encouraging nibble from another potential buyer and I'm not the sort of man to ignore a nibble for long!"

"Yes, of course Mr. Fafnir. I am aware of Summitmist Manor in Skingrad, an ex…. acquaintance of mine spent some time there."

"Oh well, yes of course. I can assure you the bodies and blood will be cleared before any prospective buyer will move in."

"Mmm, my acquaintance also mentioned dry rot throughout the manor."

"Well, Mr. LaChane dry rot is what dry rot does. Stop me if I'm getting too technical."

"And the floor, from what I've gathered is a little uneven."

"Indeed, yes Sir, and at no extra cost!"

"Strange smell, I've been informed."

"Aye, that would be the bodies again but there's rumours of gold locked in a hidden chest somewhere within the house. My, my Mr. LaChance, you've really worked out some banter haven't you?"

"Not really Mr. Fafnir, this is a different thing, its spontaneous and its called wit."

"Is there anything else you would like to know?"

"Tell me about the privies."

"When the master craftsman who created this home was looking at the sewage he said to himself 'Ploppy,' for t'was his name. 'Ploppy, lets make them functional and comfortable.'"

"Uh-huh."

"Erm…well, what we're talking about in, erm, privy terms is the latest in front wall, fresh air orifices, combined with a wide capacity gutter installation below."

"You mean you crap out of the window."

"Yes."

"NEXT!"

5 MINUTES, A BOTTLE OF MEAD AND A TRIP TO THE PRIVY LATER

"Morrowind?"

"Yes, Mr. LaChance. We've found an excellent…ah…location."

"I'm not sure that Morrowind would be ideal Mr. Deloth, and you say it's big enough for our needs?"

"Oh yes, you could say that its an ever expanding building!"

"It's a bloody mushroom, isn't it?"

"Yes I admit that the building is a mushroom but there's been a lot of change in perspective towards them recently. They come with their own Dwemner sentries!"

"Dwemner sentries?"

"Yes indeed Mr. LaChance, you can have your choice of a crossbow sentry of a spear sentry. They can be ordered to….."

"Excuse me Mr. Deloth but what in Oblivion are you talking about? What is a crossbow or spear?"

"Well they're weap…."

"Forget it, forget it, FORGET IT! Mushrooms, mechanical sentries, make believe weapons. You are living in a fantasy world Mr. Deloth."

"Eh….well, yes I am, aren't you?."

"NEXT!"

5 MINUTES AND A BURIED ESTATE AGENT LATER

"Hello Master."

"Ocheeva, I have to admit that was most satisfying."

"Yes Master."

"Burying estate agents has got to be my all time number one hobby. Who's left?"

"There are still two waiting to present to you Master, I have to be honest though. One of them has Powerpaint presentation with him."

"Well that really is a pity, child because you're just going to have to sit in for me on that one. I would rather be strung up upside down and skinned alive by the Black Hand than sit through a Powerpaint presentation."

"It may not be necessary at all Master, this came for you this afternoon. It's the last will and testament of your Silencer…..he's left everything to you. Including a 'vile lair' on the south shore of Cyrodil."

"A vile lair?"

"Yes Master, according to the paperwork it comes with a dungeon, library, grove, garden, alchemy area…"

"Mmmm, yes thank you child. I think I'm getting the picture. Lets bury the rest of the estate agents and take a little trip down south of the country. This all seems very promising."

"What about the Adoring Fan, Master? He'll get in eventually!"

"Mmm, yes dear child. I have spent some time thinking on that and I believe a note explaining we've all gone off to explore a mysterious door should suffice."

"A mysterious door?"

"Lets see how well our Fan gets on in the Shivering Isles."


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 – Out of the frying pan and in to the Oblivion gate

"Well, this is most satisfactory. Big open areas, sleeping quarters and kitchen….wouldn't you say, Sister?"

"Yes, Master. It's ample for our needs but if we could discuss…"

"Underground dungeon with an unconscious magician, garden area with enough crops to feed a battalion."

"Yes Master, but if I could just inter…"

"Temple to the all-seeing dread Father Sithis, grove for praying, poisons room, storage area."

"Yes Master, but…"

"There's just one problem!"

"Yes Mast…"

"WE'RE THE ONLY BLOODY PEOPLE HERE!"

"Please Master, I've been trying to explain to you about that."

"This is about your Brother again…isn't it?"

"Yes Master."

"I never should have left him in charge of following us here, he's been at the skooma again…hasn't he?"

"Yes Master."

"Where's the group, Ocheeva?"

"They're in Leyawiin looking for him Master, apparently he's fallen foul of some marauders and they're holding him for ransom."

"Ocheeva, that Brother of yours is about as useful as a minotaur-horn flavoured lolly-pop!"

"Yes Master."

"How does a fully trained assassin get kidnapped?"

"From what I've gathered from the report Vicente sent, after taking some skooma he just sort of…'wandered off'!"

"Wonderful, my child."

"Please Master, I beg off you to help me pay the ransom."

"Well as you know, dear child. I've had some experience of these kinds of situations, why only last year my closest advisor and Listener was kidnapped."

"Well, then, you know something of the dreadful pain involved."

"Indeed I do, and I can suggest no better answer than the one I gave to the kidnapper when he came looking for ransom."

"Which was?"

"Get stuffed!"

"Master, you would jest over my Brother's life?"

"Ocheeva, anyone who allows some mead swilling Nord to come up to them, say, 'Hail stranger' and then hit them over the head with a club deserves everything they get."

"Well Master, he wasn't in full control of his faculties…."

"No matter how stoned they are Ocheeva!"

"Please Master, please help him."

"Fine, child. Fine, whatever it takes to stop you pouting. What else does the report say?"

"Most of the information gathered came from an old Khajiit beggar called…um…"

"Rancid Ra'dirsha."

"Yes, that's her. She usually hangs around the east entrance. Apparently she saw the whole thing, should we go interrogate her?"

"I'll deal with this personally Ocheeva, you stay here! And Ocheeva?"

"Yes Master?"

"No more sugar for you until I get back!"

SOME FAST TRAVELLING LATER

"Good evening, old crone. I'm looking for Rancid Ra'dirsha, are you her?"

"That I be."

"Yes I am, not 'that I be'. You don't have to talk in that stupid voice to me, child, I'm not a tourist."

"Ah, two things you must know about me, my Lord. The first is that my name is indeed Ra'dirscha and the second…."

"Is that you're rancid?"

"You know of me then!"

"Not really, child. Just a wild stab in the dark, which is incidentally what you will be getting if you don't start being more helpful!"

"Ah, you must seek the kidnapped Argonian."

"Yes, yes I would very much like to get my hands on him. I'm looking in to make a new pair of boots, you understand."

"Aye, my Lord. My colleague behind you will be able to lead you to him."

"Thank you child, thank you. Here is a purse of moneys….which, I'm not going to give you."

"Hail stranger."

"Yes, yes, hail, child. My, my, why is it that all Nords smell of mead?…..Wait a minute….

THUMP

"Oh sweet-suffering-Sithis-sucking-a-sausage. What on Nirn was I drinking last night? My head feels like there's a crazed imp living in it."

"Oooohhhhh…."

"Who's there?"

"It is I, Master. Teineeva."

"Teineeva, it appears your wandering has introduced you to a pair of shackles and a dungeon."

"Master, how long have you been in this dungeon?"

"I have no idea, child, but Teineeva, I hope you appreciate the degree of trouble you're in?"

"Yes Master, the Nord that took me in here said he would be coming back with his boss."

"Not with them, child. You're 'wandering' days are going to be over for a very long time when we get out of here."

"But what of the threat here, Master. We've been kidnapped!"

"Thankfully your Sister Ocheeva is fully versed in the report of your disappearance, she won't accept that we simply vanished. If I know her…."

"Like an old oak table?"

"What?"

"Like an old oak table!"

"Vanished, my child. Not varnished."

"Forgive me Master, but my Uncle Geel's old oak table completely vanished. It was the night of the Black Wood Company hist-sap fire and on that same terrible night, his guild house and all his other things vanished too."

"Teineeva."

"So did he in fact!"

"TEINEEVA!"

"Yes, Master?"

"Its up to you, child but either you can shut up, or you can have your head cut off!"

"Em……………………………………………….I'll shut up."

MEANWHILE – BACK AT DEEPSCORN HOLLOW

"Hello Vicente."

"SISHTER."

"Yes, em, have you been drinking garlic mayonnaise again? Anyway, I can't find Master Lucien either now!"

"…hic….KIDNAPSHUSHED?"

"Oh no, I don't think so. Master Lucien just told me that only real idiots get kidnapped."

"IDIOTSH?"

"Yes, idiots…oh right, now I understand! Lets all stay alert tonight, dear Brother. Perhaps we should double the guard."


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 – What's that mother?

"Master, someone is coming in…it's the boss!"

"Master Lucien, forgive me. I have been neglecting my duties as host, my name is Mathieu Bellamont and this is my Mother."

"Eh?….Oh right! Your Mother, yes I can see the resemblance."

"But Master, he's just holding a decapitated hea….."

"Yes, yes, thank you Teineeva. You'll have to forgive him Mr. Bellamont, he's got leprosy."

"Leprosy?"

"Of the brain!"

"Regardless, Master Lucien. I hope the you will accept my apologies for the inconvenience."

"I accept nothing from a man who imprisons his guests in a commode."

"I hope my Nord scum didn't inconvenience you?"

"It takes more than a platoon of battle-axe wielding Nord marauders to inconvenience me!"

"Good, Master Lucien. If they did inconvenience you I was going to offer you their tongues."

"Believe me, Sir. If they did inconvenience me, you would not have a tongue with which to make such an offer."

"Let me assure you, Master Lucien. If I no longer had a tongue with which to make such an offer, you would no longer have a tongue with which to tell me that, if I had inconvenienced you, I would no longer have a tongue with which to offer you their tongues."

"Yes…well, uh….what in the name of Sithis do you want?"

"You do not remember me then, Master Lucien?"

"We've met before? I don't believe I've had the pleasure."

"On the contrary. We have met many times, although you knew me by another name. Do you recall a mysterious black marketeer and smuggler called Hauls Ropes Faster with whom you used to dine and plot and play the biscuit game in The Fo'c's'le?"

"Sweet Sithis."

"Yes! I was the tavern wench."

"I don't believe it! You? Mirabelle Monet."

"Will you have another round of mead, My Lord?"

"….but….but, I went to bed with you, didn't I?

"For my Mother, I am willing to make any sacrifice, Master Lucien."

"Yes, but I'm not…eh…I must have been paralytic."

"Indeed you were, Mr. Floppy."

"Yes, alright, alright. Now would you mind…"

"Such a disappointment for a girl…"

"Yes, alright, you've had your little joke Bellamont."

"It really doesn't matter, we'll try again in a few minutes. Have a look through these naughty parchments."

"Oh, yes, we are proud of our comic-serving wench voice, aren't we Bellamont?"

"BE SILENT! And as for you, my little Argonian friend, I'm glad you're snickering at your Master because I'm glad to meet you again, too."

"I don't believe we've had…."

"You don't recognise me then, Teineeva?"

"No…"

"Let me refresh your memory. You remember when you used to travel past Weynon Priory, there was an old shepherd with whom you used to talk."

"Sweet Sithis….Eronor?"

"Yes! I was one of his sheep, Teineeva!"

"One of his sheep? Not…?"

"Yes!"

"Snowy?"

"Yes!"

"But didn't we…?"

"Yes, Teineeva! BBBAAAAA!"

"Oh my…."

"But enough of such reminiscences, eh? Mother and I are not interested in the past, we're only interested in what's to come."

"Perhaps a lobotomy of some sorts is in order?"

"Laugh now LaChance because you won't be able to do it later, Mother and I will leave you now but think on this while we're gone. I want the Night-Mother's location and if you don't give me what I want, we're going to chop your heads off!"

5 MINUTES LATER

"What say you, Master. How about I sing a song to keep our spirits up?"

"That all depends on whether you want the slop bucket on your head or not, Teineeva."

"Well then, Master, perhaps a pleasant word game?"

"Yes, alright child. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut."

"For Sithis sake, Master. Shall I never see Tamriel again? Her rolling fields, her glistening lakes…."

"Her playful sheep, Teineeva?"

"Eh…yes, well….I, erm…."

"Never mind, child. Never mind, lets focus our attention on getting out of here, shall we?"

"What's all the commotion outside?"

"It sounds like a battle, I can hear the marauders screaming. By Sithis, they're panicking."

"What's happening now, Master?"

"They're running away, child. I can see them climbing a ladder to the outside, all of them are throwing their weapons and armour to the ground and fleeing"

"What could make a dozen marauders run away, Master?"

"I don't know child, I can't quite see from inside the cell but there's someone or something coming down the corridor towards us."

"Who, Master? Is it our Brothers come to rescue us?"

"No, child. I can just about see a shadow, it's just one person. It's quite a small shadow actually!"

"What?! A small shadow means a small person doesn't it? What kind of a saviour could make a dozen, battle-hardened Nord marauders run away in panic without a fight?"

"Oh, dear Sithis no."

"Who is it Master?"

"No, no, no, no….please no, sweet Sithis….it can't be, it just can't."

"Who is it?"

"Ssshhussssh, he might not find us."

"…….."

"…….."

"…….."

"…….."

"Golly!"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 – There and back again (definitely not a Hobbit's tale).

"Well I for one am glad he rescued us Master!"

"Yes…yes, I suppose that he did us a favour, Teineeva."

"Well done, Fan."

"Gosh, thanks Teineeva. I can't believe I'm standing here, next to….."

"Oh no, look what you've done child. He's off on one of his tangents again."

"Sorry Master."

"Sorry Master L."

"Teineeva, no doubt your Sister will be eager to see you. Now that we're home why don't you run along and find her."

"Yes Master."

"Now, child. I want answers!"

"Master L?"

"Three days ago I sent you to the Shivering Isles!"

"Yes, Master L."

"And now your back."

"Yes, Master L."

"With a suspiciously full, grey beard!"

"Yes, Master L."

"You were killed again…weren't you!"

"Yes, Master L."

"Child, I must admit if it were anyone else I would find this bizarre case of necromancy fascinating but since its you I can only stress that I find your refusal to die very…. irritating."

"Sorry, Master L."

"Did you meet Sheogorath, child?"

"Oh yes, Master L. He thought I was wonderfully depressing, so he put me to work in his kitchens."

"Uh-huh."

"I was working on an evening meal for the Duke of Mania with some stew, lamb, cabbages and greenmote when all of a sudden…"

"Wait, child, wait, wait, wait. 'Greenmote' is a highly poisonous herb and you were cooking with it?"

"Oh…eh…right, Master L. Well that would explain why everyone died when I served the evening meal to the House of Mania."

"Yes, child I imagine that would cause a couple of problems. What did Sheogorath say?"

"Well, he told me that he didn't mind about the Duke dying but if I ever forgot to put the dessert spoons out again he'd turn me into a kite."

"Yes, child. That certainly sounds like the Lord Sheogorath.

"So then he had me working for Lady Syl, the Duchess of Dementia. I started working in her personal chambers as a laddy-in-waiting but….

"Child, before we go any further with this story does it involve you killing the Duchess?"

"It wasn't my fault Master L, I only started telling her a story about how 'I saw a mud crab the other day down by the waterside' and then she very sadly, accidentally, brutally cut her own head off while combing her hair."

"And Sheogorath?"

"Well, Master L. At first he found the whole thing very funny, but then he started crying a lot and then he said I was 'the most manically, demented person he'd ever met'."

"Right…"

"So he put me in charge."

"HE WHAT!?!"

"He put me in charge of the Shivering Isles, Master L, but then I slipped on a shard of order and fell into a moat full of dead clowns….."

"Enough, Fan. Please….just stop, child. I don't have the tolerance, sanity or time for this, the Night Mother is in danger and I must see to her soon."

"Yes, Master L."

"Child, do you think you could use your cooking skills to effect here, without killing anyone this time?"

"Oh yes, Master L. You know how much I worship the ground you walk on…"

"Yes, of course child. Now please, come over here to the garden area."

"Yes, Master L."

"Now, this is very important child. You can use any of the ingredients to cook with in this garden but under no circumstances use the chokeberries…ever. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Master L. Got it!"

"Excellent, dear child. Now where is….oh good, Ocheeva."

"Master, you're back….."

"Yes child, what's been happening here since I've been gone?"

"Not much Master, Vicente's been drinking garlic mayonnaise again so we thought it best to lock him in his coffin for a few days."

"Yes child, a prudent step I think. We all remember the last time he hit the sauce, it took nearly five months for Mraaj-Dar's fur to grow back."

"Teineeva has just informed me that he's decided to go back to Black Marsh, at least until he's dried out."

"Yes child, his wandering off has caused a lot of problems lately."

"What's next Master?"

"I must travel to Bravil, dear Sister. The Night Mother beckons, but I want you to escort your Brother back. I don't want to find him wandering off to a local skooma den because he's bored."

5 MINUTES LATER

"He forgot to bring a bottle of mead with him, Fan."

"Gosh, he won't like that."

"What was he talking to you about earlier on anyway?"

"I'm going to be cooking for everyone in Deepscorn Hollow from now."

"Well you had better get started then, Fan. What's on the menu?"

"Oh golly, that's actually really simple. Master L told me I can only cook from these berries here, everything else is off limits."

SOME FAST TRAVELLING TO BRAVIL LATER

"The Night Mother must be awakened so that I may seek her guidance. This incantation must be spoken, an incantation that few can imagine. Locals may call this statue 'the lucky old lady' but they have no idea how lucky they are. This stone effigy masks the entrance to the Dark Brotherhood's most revered unholy site – the crypt of the Night Mother herself! I recite this incantation to seek an audience with you Night Mother. Unholy matron, I of the Black Hand beseech you! Reveal yourself now, most magnificent Night Mother, so that I may seek your audience."

"You just in for a quickie, lad?"

"Ah, Night Mother. Thank you for taking the time to see me."

"You're fine love, what do you need?"

"Unholy Matron, I have some disturbing news. It appears a master of disguises is trying to assassinate you."

"You know I had a dream last night."

"Em…yes Night Mother, but about the assass…."

"I had a dream that I was a lovely pony…."

"Night Mother, could we dis…"

"…and then I dreamt I was water balloon."

"Night Mother, could we please…"

"I'm not feeling well at all these days, my mind is wandering all over the place."

"Yes…well, I'm sorry to hear…em, who is that in the corner?"

"Oh her, this is a lovely lass from the Shivering Isles. Her name's Issmi, she served as a Golden Saint under Sheogorath but now she says she belongs to me. Must be one of Sheogorath's jokes but she's good company and shouts at the kids whenever the climb on me statue."

"Oh sweet Sithis…"

"Where?"

"No, Night Mother. I mean…em….I sent one of my…erm…men to the Shivering Isles recently and by some strange twist of fate he ended up replacing Sheogorath."`

"What's that love?"

"I SAID I SENT ONE….oh, forget it. It would appear unholy matron, that we are now in control of the Shivering Isles or well, one of my…erm, lads is anyway."

"Well, bring the lad here Lucien. This is wonderful, I've got me a whole new realm to rule, you don't mind if I make him my new Listener do you? Such a gift should be rewarded after all."

"Well, that may not…I mean, it wouldn't be….eh….how about I just….no, Night Mother. No, of course I wouldn't mind being demoted. Why would I mind the Adoring Fan being promoted above me."

"Good boy."


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 – Good things do happen to bad people

"Vicente? VICENTE!?!"

"NEEDSH GARLISH MAYO!"

"No Vicente, come back. DON'T RUN AWAY!!!"

5 MINUTES LATER AND INSIDE DEEPSCORN HOLLOW

"Ocheeva? Ocheeva?"

"Master L?"

"Fan, I'm looking for Ocheeva. Where is she?"

"She's escorting her Brother back to Black…."

"Yes, yes of course, dear child…now I remember."

"Who is in charge of Vicente while she's gone?"

"That would be me, Master L. She asked me to keep an eye on him while she was off."

"Of course she did….so, Fan?"

"Yes, Master L?"

"What would the following words suggest to you? 'Vicente' – 'bollock-naked' and 'running through the woods'."

"Oh no…"

"Oh yes, Fan. He's out there right now, naked and madly dashing through the Leyawiin forest, whilst looking for some more garlic mayonnaise to drink."

"I'll see about getting him back, Master L."

"No, no, child. Its fine, he'll come back when the sun comes up. Besides, we have more pressing issues to discuss."

"Gosh, Master L. What could be more pressing?"

"You've been promoted to the leader of the Black Hand."

"Is that some kind of cooking qualification?"

"No, Fan. No it isn't. It means that you are required to speak directly to the Night Mother once a week and relay her orders to us."

"The Night Mother? She sounds nice."

"Yes, well she murdered five of her children, married the all-seeing Dread-Father Sithis, answers the prayers of people who want other people murdered and when she transcends the physical plain of existence she lives in a dark, endless abyss."

"Golly…sounds like she needs a hug?"

"No, child. I don't believe that would be wise. Now, we must prepare for your first meeting with her, do you know the five tenets?"

"I know…of…the five tenets, Master L!

"Well that's a start I suppose, child."

"Or at least I would do if I knew how to read…."

"Great!"

"…or count!"

"Wonderful…lets, start at the basics then shall we."

QUITE A FEW BOTTLES OF MEAD LATER

"Right Fan, lets try again shall we? This is called adding. If I have two chokeberries, and then I add two more chokeberries, what do I have?"

"Some chokeberries."

"Yes…and yet, no. Lets try again shall we? I have two chokeberries, and then I add two more chokeberries. What does that make?"

"A very small fruit salad."

"Fan, the trolls of Forsaken Mine have mastered this. Now try again and watch as I count them. One, two, three, four. So how many are there?"

"Three, Master L?"

"What?"

"And that one."

"Three and that one. So child, if I add that one to the three what will I have?"

"Oh! Some chokeberries!"

"Yes. To you Fan, the Oblivion crisis was just something that happened to other people wasn't it?"

"Sorry, Master L."

"Ah, Ocheeva. Glad you're back…perhaps you could resume your responsibilities for Vicente as he seems to of run off again…"

"Master, Master, come quick. There's a messenger outside who says the Night Mother wants to see you urgently."

"Wha-"

"I said, Master, Master, come quick. There's a mess…"

"Please let me finish, Ocheeva. What are you wearing on your head?"

"Ah! It's my new hat Master. They're all the rage in Blackmarsh."

"You look like a Nether Lich."

"As a matter of fact, Master. I think it makes me look rather sexy."

"To another Nether Lich swallowing a Minotaur perhaps and if it was blind and hadn't had its leg over in a few months."

"I think you maybe wrong, Master."

"Are your horns supposed to rip through the material like that? What do you think of Ocheeva's hat Fan?"

"Four."

"What?"

"Some chokeberries and some chokeberries are four."

"No, no. We've moved on from advanced mathematics, child and we're on to elementary dressmaking. What do you think of Ocheeva's hat?"

"I think she looks like a Nether Lich, Master L."

"No, child. That's what I think, what do you think? Try to have a thought of your own, Fan. Thinking is so important. Now what do you think?"

"I think thinking is so important, Master L."

"That's it I give up, I'm off to see the Night Mother."

"Oh, okay Master L. Should I come too?"

"No, best not to Fan. People might see us together and think we're friends."

"But Master, I am the Listener of the Black Hand now and I do want to meet the Night Mother and thank her, and worship her and offer her backrubs…."

"Indeed on second thoughts I think you're right Fan. Yes, I do believe the Night Mother should be introduced to you as soon as possible."

"Golly, thanks Master L. Are there any tips you can give me when speaking to her?"

"Just the usual courtesies Fan. Why don't you ask her 'how her kids are doing'?"

SOME FAST TRAVELLING BACK TO BRAVIL LATER

"Brown, I suspect Night Mother."

"I think you'll find they're blue, Lucien."

"Brown is more the usual, Night Mother."

"Who's the Night Mother, Lucien?"

"As you say Night Mother, whilst on our way here we ran across these magnificent blue deer which were coming…."

"Oh but enough of this, it was good to meet you Fan. As the Listener for the Black Hand I now appoint Lucien LaChance as your personal advisor."

"Gee…thanks, Night Mother."

"Yes, thank you Night Mother."

"It is funny where our destinies take us, isn't it Lucien?"

"Yes, Night Mother. I daren't laugh, just in case my sides split open with amusement."

SOME FAST TRAVELLING BACK TO DEEP SCORN HOLLOW LATER

"I'm up and down Cyrodil like a blue-arsed Will-o-Wisp today…"

"Hello Master, everyone is gathered for you."

"Right, good morning team. As you know the Adoring Fan will now be your top point of contact for monetary genocide in Cyrodil. Now if you play straight with him, I'm sure you'll find him a considerate employer but if you cross him you'll find that under his playful, boyish exterior lays me. And in me you'll find the heart of a ruthless sadistic maniac."

"Eh…..Lucien?"

"Yes, correct M'raaj-Dar. Now that I am no longer the Listener for the Black Hand, the title of Master moves to the Fan."

"Heeheehehe….em….ghuhuu…ahem, Lucien."

"Yes, M'raaj-Dar. Laugh it up."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH…."

"Indeed child, in fact you are to be congratulated, my friend, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet M'raaj-Dar, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual I've ever met. I would shake your claw but I fear it would come off!"

"HAHAHA…there's not many…ahem…ex-bosses that would be that considerate, Lucien."

"Thank you, child. Ah good Vicente's back. Perhaps you could tuck him into his coffin M'raaj-Dar!"

"Yes, Lucien…eh…has he been drinking again?"

"Oh yes, M'raaj-Dar. Yes, he has!"

"Golly!"

"You see Fan, there's more than one way to skin a cat around here."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 – Interview with a friend of a vampire

"He's here, Hassiri."

"Who's here, Urjabhi?"

"Eh…you're interview for the next issue of the Black Horse Courier."

"Oh, I don't have anyone in my diary?"

"He refuses to fully identify himself brother, but he says he has 'the interview of a lifetime' for you."

"Even better than the last interviewee you brought me, Urjabhi?"

"Yes, well...me...well, mistakes were made…and...well, anyone would of..."

"Yes of course, anyone would of believed a random beggar you claimed he was behind the assassination of Uriel Septim."

"Yes, well he did sound convincing at the..."

"Except, when the afore-mentioned beggar started mentioning he was aided and abetted by garden gnomes!"

"It wasn't implausible though…"

"Garden gnomes have been extinct for over six hundred years, Urjabhi! It's well documented by the mage's guild that leprechauns wiped them all out."

"Anyways Hassiri, do you want to know about this guy or not?"

"What's he all about then?"

"Well, he's dressed all in black, admitted to practicing rituals, calls everyone 'my child', has a habit of telling people what to do…"

"And why do I want to interview a priest?"

"No, no, no brother, I think he may be a ranking member of the Dark Brotherhood."

"This could be the interview of a lifetime!"

"That's what I've been try…"

"Tell him I'll be with him directly."

5 MINS LATER

"Good evening, Sir. My Brother tells me that you just want to be known as…"

"Lucky Chance…"

"…Lucky, em yes."

"Redundancy is a horrible word, isn't it child?"

"Indeed it is Lucky, have you recently been made redundant due to the downturn in world economics?"

"No, my child. Someone younger has taken my place."

"But you've given it the boot?"

"I think it would be fairer to say that it's given me the boot but no…I don't miss it, my child."

"Must be hard to let go of a job where you're so senior."

"Yes, child. Don't get me wrong, even now when I wake up in the morning and I've had my first bottle of mead I would love nothing more than to hand out a contract, listen to the Night Mother or even just something simple…."

"Something simple, like?"

"….like murder someone, but no! Those days are behind me now."

"How did it all end for you?"

"Well I kept wanting the person's job above me. Too much power can corrupt anyone."

"How did it corrupt you, Lucky?"

"Well child, I had to make numerous sacrifices when I was traveling around Cyrodil."

"You were taken away from you're family?"

"What? No, I literally had to make numerous sacrifices."

"Oh."

"I wasn't eating that well either."

"No?"

"No, just cabbages and sweetrolls for a while there."

"Just cabbages and sweetrolls? Dear, oh dear."

"Indeed, child. With great power comes great opportunity."

"How much power were you doing, Lucky?"

"As much as I wanted, dear child."

"Ah."

"Indeed."

"Brother, brother…."

"What is it Urjabhi, can't you see I'm in the middle of an interview…"

"There's an Argonian female outside who's insisting on coming in Hassiri!"

"That would be Ocheeva, gentlemen. She's probably been sent to deal with me by the Fan."

"Master, what are you doing?"

"I'm telling my story dear child and after that I have a job interview with an estate agent."

"No Master, you don't understand the Fan is gone. The Night Mother sent him back to the Shivering Isles."

"What? Why?"

"He stopped all contracts and ordered us to start looking for invisible cows!"

"INVISIBLE COWS?!?"

"Yes Master, he couldn't understand where all the beef in Cyrodil was coming from!"

"And now he's gone."

"Yes Master, he's definitely gone."

"At last, Ocheeva."

"Yes Master."

"I have to be Listener again Ocheeva."

"Yes Master."

"Numerous uno, Ocheeva."

"Yes Master".

"I can appoint contracts, Ocheeva."

"Yes Master."

"I can appoint Murderers, Ocheeva."

"Yes Master."

"I can appoint Eliminators, Ocheeva."

"Yes Master."

"And I can….disappoint, Ocheeva."

"You're back, Master."

"Excuse me Lucky and Ocheeva could I ask you to slow down I'm having a bit of trouble writing all this down."

"Writing all this down? Oh yes, of course my child. Ocheeva?"

"Yes Master?"

"Why don't you stay here and…'finish' the interview for me."

"I understand, Master."

"I'm going back to Cheydinhal to re-open the old sanctuary."

"Why Master? Don't you want to stay at the vile lair?"

"No, my child. It's time for more fun and games in the Cheydinhal sanctuary."


End file.
